Lies Pie

[Xaroc]

Ok here is what I want to do. I feel extremely idiotic asking this question but I want to post a story here but I need it criticized on how it is written not what it is about. The thing is it’s a whole series that I was/am creating on my own and It has actual peoples names in it and such (which are edited out) as well as a bunch of made up characters so it will be kind of weird for all of you to follow but this one is my first one I have written and it is sort of in the middle of every event that happened so just honest criticism on the writing part but the plot is far from complete in this piece so it will be hard to say where I am going with it until I submit the rest witch I probably will never get to do.

Remember I have a really fucked up imagination, which is surprising considering the amount of television I watch, but getting back to it all hope you enjoy.

Thanks, the story will be in the next post.

P.S. I know that parts of it sound like something from a well-known animes. Don’t give the anime’s name just know that a part of it is inspired from it but what I have in mind is way different so don’t think I’m plagiarizing please.

[Xaroc]

LIES PIE

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Cory slams the door open and stomps though the make shift living room with the angriest look anyone has ever seen on him angrily and quiet loudly said, ” It was all a fallacy, a fabrication.” Just then Cory just noticed Fungile (Fun-gheel-e)“ “ as she rose off the couch to see what’s the matter. “It was a lie, we cant get home yet” Court said rather calmly with a hint of depression in his voice. Court then said no more and sat on the couch with his head hanging down with his hair hanging, covering his eyes. After several minutes Cor asked Fungile“ How long do we have till the next match, I don’t have to Fight next do I?” Fungile then looked at the papers on the table “ No its not decided yet all we know is that you can’t fight and as we know you wont Let Kat fight so its either Dylan or Dude. As for time we got till tomorrow afternoon possibly one o’clock at the earliest, however they wont start the match till the stadium is filled so it could take a while.” “Good.” Cory exclaimed gently. “ When the two of them get back let them know, I might not be back till early this morning.” Cory then got up from the chair and walked strait for the door. “Thanks” he said as he opened the door slowly” Don’t tell any of them about what happed today please “ then he left closing the door behind him.

Out at an unknown park a tall woman’s shadowy figure is dim in the moonlight though the tree. “This isn’t funny you know” Cory said as he walked up to the tree. “What isn’t?” The figure known as Cheren (Cheer-n) asked innocently. “You tricked me. You lied to me.” Cory added. “No I didn’t, I never lie to y…” Cory quickly cut her off shouting, “CHOKE ON YOUR LIES…IN FACT I’LL BAKE A LIES PIE FOR YOU TO CHOKE ON, YES A LIES PIE BAKED IN AN OVEN OF DECEIT IN THE WARM STICKY KITCHEN OF ARTIFICE!!!!” The reaction came as no surprise to Cheren and she showed it “What do you think I lied about Cory dear?” She said. “Don’t call me that, or any name just answer me,” he said ignoring her question entirely. Cheren thinking for several minutes said, “what did you ask?” You lied to me you said that my friends can dodge the tournament and go home, you lied to me if we did what you told me, me and my friends would have been killed. You did it all just so your group could progress; you manipulated me, made me trust you to get what you wanted.” Cory for several minutes said nothing and turned away and started walking. “I will see you in the ring.” He said as he disappeared.

Back at the room Dylan, Dude, Kat & Fungile were laughing at a joke Dylan made as Cory walked in the door. “Welcome back Cor” Kat said with a giggle as she sat on the footstool. “Glad to be back, what’s so funny?” “Dylan just told everyone the story about your aunt and the Jehovah witness, That is some funny stuff man.” Dude interjected then he took a sip of his coke. “Uh” Cory started to say “where did you get a coke Dude?’ Dude just shrugged his shoulders and the five friends went on talking. “Oh guys I have news” Cory said to the group “Next match Only I can’t fight in the next match so either you Dylan or you Dude can go on. “Or Coran” Dylan added, “Good point we have to keep his appearances up or they might find out and we might be disqualified,” Cory added. “So who’s doing what.” Fungile asked the deep thought group sat thinking. “Dude would use his sais right?” Fungile asked, “Dylan would use his bo and what would Coran use?” Dylan and Cory thought for several moments. “Who are they fighting next?” Kat asked “Another member of The Clad 4. If we win we just go to the next match if not we fight again.” Cory said. “So I think either Coran or Dude should fight.” “Agreed” Dylan said behind Cory’s statement. “What would Coran use as a weapon?” Kat asked again. “I suppose either the light saber-sickle or my clamor.” Cory told Kat. “So” Dude added, “how shall we choose who goes next?” Which ever volunteers I suppose?” Cory said rather plainly. “Do you want to go Dude?” he added while raising his head and looking at his friend. “NAH, that’s ok let Coran do it I like to see the fusion anyway.” Cory started to straiten and stack the papers on the table. “Then it’s settled we will Coran will fight next so how about we fuse around twelve or twelve thirty?” Dylan nodded as Cory stacked the papers by the side of the table. “Guys I have bad news.” Cory said as the group all turned their heads at the same time. “We can’t get home the way Cheeren said we could we would all be killed.” Cory said with his head hanging down. “Son of a bitch!’ Dylan exclaimed loudly “Damn” Dude added behind him “So were still stuck fighting for a while” “Oh well Fungile said “at least you lost nothing” “True.” Cory stated then for several minutes the group was silent. “So were heading to bed then?” Fungile asked, “We might as well I am getting really tired.” Kat said ending her sentence with a yawn. The group then all stood up and said their goodnights then all headed to their rooms for sleep.

[Xaroc]

I realized as I was editing this, the names and things don’t fit quite as well. So if someone wants to read the unedited version with the original names just let me know. Then I’ll decide if you are worthy to read it.

Also there is more to come in this chapter too.

And if a name wasn’t changed tell me right away so I can edit it. Please and thanks.

[MB]

I went to read it man, but it's just too confusing. If I were you I would try to make it more simplified, or at least focus on one thing for a moment. Go into detail about one thing first instead of going on to the next action of someone else; it will make it sound better and you will have a longer piece (Excuse the pun)

My name is Corey

[Xaroc]

Thanks I thought that too. But like I said it is in the middle of a lot of events and things but thanks for the advice.

He heh. Quite coincidental that your name is the same as the main characters. ;D

[MB]

Lol, I didn't even realise how much my name was in there untill I read a little farther. No problem about the advice, do whatever you think is better for it.